I Want to Marry Into Vinyl

Some people strive to marry into money. I would love to marry into a good vinyl collection.

If you follow me on Twitter, you will occasionally see me lament the fact that I am not cool enough for vinyl. Which I’m not, sadly. The cool associated with a record collection is an effortless sort of cool. Being a vinyl collector says, “I have casual nostalgia but not a desperate attachment to the past.” It demonstrates an appreciation for the quality listening experience and an admirable level of music-loving.

I like to think that I’m cool (ish), but certainly not in a record-collecting, hipster sort of way. I’m cool in the way that I’ve set up enough apps on my phone that I can tell you what good (and bad) shows are happening at any given moment and I’ve found the right social media accounts to follow if you want to win concert tickets (which I do, and often). I am not, “welcome to my humble abode let me put on a record and give you a delicious local craft beer” cool. I do not have any craft beer in my fridge. I’m not even entirely sure what “craft beer” means.

There are other reasons why I’ve never started a record collection, and those are the reasons that are at the core of every New York problem – money and space (or lack thereof). The money I currently put into my music collection consists of the $9.99 I give to Spotify every month for my premium membership. And that’s it. Can vinyl top that, and by “top that” I obviously mean NOT top that, money wise? No. Furthermore, I have exactly zero space for a record player unless the floor has suddenly become an appropriate place for a turntable and also a place where I would not step on it resulting in injury to both foot and record player.

But the thing is, I really like music and love the peace and enjoyment that it can bring to my moments relaxing at home. I’ve been trying to be more thoughtful about how I curate my space, and after figuring out a good lighting scheme (candles!) and getting my essential oil diffuser going (there’s no better way to make your room smell like a massage parlor than by giving it a boost of lavender scent!), amping up my home listening situation (was that a pun? I think it was!) seems like it should be next on the list.

You know what makes you feel like a real music fan? Definitely not listening to music through your phone, that’s what. And though I’m likely never going to want to develop the infrastructure to get a vinyl collection going, I think if I magically inherited one, I would really take to it. It would make me cooler by proxy, I think. Almost as if you’re not cool enough to have a record collection until you actually have one, and then all of a sudden, you are.

The obvious solution here, of course, is to marry into some really good vinyl. I’m talking a quality turntable, not one of those dinky ones they sell at Urban Outfitters (no offense UO, love ya!) and a collection that spans the decades – some classics (Beatles, natch) and current albums that can only be truly appreciated on vinyl. I mean, how much better would this sound on a record vs YouTube (no offense to you either, YouTube!)??

Yes, obviously one of my first vinyl purchases would be Pretty Lights’ “A Color Map of the Sun” album.

Even though records cost more than my Spotify premium membership, if I had a music-loving husband to start off my collection I would gladly invest the money into expanding it. So if you know anyone, send ’em my way! As a thank you you will receive an exclusive invite to one of my listening parties where I will grace your ears with excellent music for an evening. And snacks. And maybe even some craft beer.

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